Greetings Mouthketeers:

Did you all see “Bo,” the first family’s new puppy?  Am I the only person in the United States who thinks Bo is the perfect pet for them because the precious pooch is black and white, the official color of the first family?  (I’m not sure about Michele, but we know President O is Mulatto, which means the kids are too, right?)  If I was a dog, I wanna come back as a Portuguese water dog (Bo’s species), because they are so cute.  But I’d be a bad daddy if I didn’t mention my own pet Daschund (hot dog) named, Rufus, who was born on the day of my late mom’s funeral four years ago last Wednesday.  That might sound a little creepy, but trust me, when you’re in the moment, it’s very moving and is a connection worth noting. 

Speaking of black and white, email has made us all become so definitive as if life is a totally opposite color palate with absolutely no grey area.  It seems as if all of the recent confrontations I’ve had with my friends stem out of some black and white style email.  Since when did the world choose “email” as the number one tool of communication?  I know I have a nasal-ridden voice with a slight New Jersey turned NYC accent, but how I speak doesn’t translate that well in email.  You’ve all heard of “talking it out” with your friend?  You’ve never heard of “emailing it out,” have you?      

When I come back in my next life, I wanna come back as a Mulatto person, or grey, or pastel.  A middle of the road kinda guy without a bipolar streak would be refreshing.

What do you think?  Are you high and low?  Talk to me.

Peace.

The Mouthinator. 

The Mouthinator Pop Culture

The Mouthinator Pop Culture

Greetings Mouthketeers:

After recently spending $6000 to transfer all of my docs from a PC to a Macbook Pro, I am now being held hostage by electronics and hardware & software packages.  QuickBooks, Entourage, Blackberry, Missing Sync and yes, the Mac, are all testing my nerves.  And American Express is no angel either. 

Why is it when you download your Amex statement into QuickBooks, the order of the expenditures online are totally out of sync with your paper statement?  You might think this complaint isn’t a big deal, but if you use Amex for business and have over 100 itemized expenses—many of those expenses are charged back to the client and the paper statement acts as the clients’ receipt—you need the download to work smoothly.  Do I really need to spend an entire day downloading a statement into a software product called “Quick?”

Why is it when you enter an appointment in your Entourage calendar it might or might not sync with the Blackberry . . . and if it does sync it might duplicate the event several times as if it was never entered in the first place?  Can you imagine opening your Blackberry calendar and discovering you have a lunch lunch lunch lunch lunch lunch with Jane Jane Jane Jane at 12 12 12 12 12 12? 

Get the picture?

The whole thing is a farce, and I’m one step from believing the evil empire is Apple.  I don’t think Mac execs want the Blackberry to work efficiently with the Macbook.  Why is it when you have a complaint about Entourage and you call AppleCare, they are quick to say they don’t support it?  Bad customer services.  Handle the whole thing, Apple.  Make the experience more pleasant.  Make your store a one-stop shop.  If your leather seat in your BMW is torn, will the dealer make you travel to Corinthia to get a new cushion or fix the whole thing for you?       

And G-d knows when something created by Apple doesn’t work.  My Apple Mighty Mouse died two days I bought it.   Get this:  I could not simply go to the Apple store and simply exchange it for another!  Did I really have to make an appointment with a “genius” at the Genius Bar to talk about what happened to the mouse?  Uh, that Genius Bar was more like a mousetrap.  The whole thing is just so boring.  Whatever happened to the Filofax, the Wang Word Processor, the Selectric typewriter and yes . . . the music video on MTV? 

What do you think?  Do you have an Apple or a Lemon?

Peace.

The Mouthinator.   

The Mouthinator Technology

Greetings Mouthketeers:

Happy belated Easter.  I went to a wonderful holiday dinner at Mark and Roman’s house, and I must say, the food was tasty but the conversation was tasteless. 

Before dessert was served, one of the guests at the event (let’s call him Harry), wanted to show us some digital photos of his trip to Italy.  The first few shots were of Harry in Sicily then in Venice and finally, on top of Mount Vesuvius.  All of a sudden, the next picture was a shocker, and it had nothing to do with an Italian vacation.  There was Harry—totally naked—with his butt in the air and in a position as if he was waiting for a proctology exam.  Yes, you read it right.  Harry looked as if he was going to get a finger wave in this photo.  Without a pause in the presentation, Harry asked us which shot he should post on the Internet—on a dating website—because he wanted to find a new relationship and he needed some new pictures.  Excuse me, Harry? 

Mouthketeers, let me make one thing perfectly clear:  Do not post nude pictures of yourself on the Internet, and do not show your stanky photos to your friends at a religious function.  Friends, I am no prude, but you are fooling yourself if you think chatting about your backside is good dinner conversation.  People don’t think the photograph of your Sway Back posture is cute.  And yes, we know you’re flexible, but save the back flip pic for your gymnastics instructor. 

On a business note, if you think the photos on the net can’t haunt you in the future, think again.  Nowadays, before companies hire you, they are not only doing a credit check on you but searching for your web presence, making sure you’re not a member of a cult or in a compromising position on a social network, and the list goes on. 

So, zip it up, shut it down, and take a cold shower before considering a) posting your private parts on a website because Big Brother is definitely watching and b) talking about posting your dirty pix on a website before the host of the dinner party is about to serve a hot fruit compote.   

What do you think?   Get back to me, will ya?

Peace.

The Mouthinator.   

The Mouthinator Sex

Greetings Mouthketeers:

Last night I saw a poster for a new TV show called “The Cougar: One Older Woman, Twenty Younger Men” hosted by Vivica A. Fox, and created by the peeps who produced “The Bachelor.” (It airs next week on TV Land.)

 In the poster, everyone from Ms. Fox to the contestants (and of course, “the cougar” herself), all appear with their legs spread apart as if they are ready to pounce, perform and populate.

 Puhleeeese!  Do we need to see all that puddy on a show called “The Cougar?”  And what’s up with that heart of fire that the manstuds will apparently jump through for this older woman?

 Seriously, what woman or man—young or old—needs all that air between their legs in a crotch shot?  Show us some thigh, not all your pubes, people!

 We’re assuming Ms. Fox got a “leg up” on hosting this show because of her last name, but let’s save the leopard outfit for Julie Newmar. Although the purpose of this rant is not to trash anyone, (and I do think Ms. Fox is a fox), sadly, I’d rather pet my neighbor’s pussycat than watch “The Cougar,” and I am a trashy reality TV show junkie.  (Is it OK that I really care what happens to Bethenny Frankel and Kelly Bensimon on “The Real Housewives of New York City?”)

 The bottom line on “The Cougar” Poster:  There’s way to much litter and a whole lotta box.

(Get it?  Litter box? Hehehehe.)

 What do you think?   Oh, and while you’re at it, let me know if you like chocolate or vanilla pudding?  Just checking!

 Peace.

 The Mouthinator.

The Mouthinator entertainment

Greetings Mouthketeers:

 Am I the only one who is watching the print world crumble before my very eyes?  Yesterday I had an “ah-ha” moment, which prompted me to write this emergency recovery plan for the magazine world.

 So here goes:  The more magazines fold, the more catalogs I seem to get in the mail.  And then it hit me!  Why don’t the magazine conglomerates buy up the most popular catalogs and then feature great stories from cookbook authors, home improvement editors, style icons and celebrities intertwined throughout the sales pitches of the blenders, hammocks, and platform beds?

 Let’s call this new catalog/magazine a MAGALOG, and let’s be real here:  Magazines seem to be dying because they’re losing advertisers, right?  Well, the Magalog has a guaranteed ad base, and audience.  I can sit my ass down and thumb through a great catalog for hours.  I’m sure Pottery Barn  would love, love, love to feature an exclusive excerpt from some faboo journalist who is revealing the first time she made love—on a porch, in a rocking chair, on a hot summer day.  Haven’t we all seen that picture in the Crate and Barrel catalog of the chair on the porch and the two people dressed in white linen looking at each other as if they’re ready to shag in a moment’s notice?  Imagine that photo coming to life with great text?  The bottom line is, if catalogs already have the readership, bring the consumers something juicy to read.    

 You get the picture (and the text), right?

 What do you think?  Don’t sit on it for too long. 

 Peace.

 The Mouthinator. 

The Mouthinator Lifestyle, Pop Culture, Style

Greetings Mouthketeers:

As Passover and Easter are quickly approaching, I can’t help but think of all the sadness that has plagued the Holy Land.  Fighting, killing, bombing, terrorism.  We’d need more than a blog to argue what the fighting is all about; but what I know we all can agree on is that countries want to capture or hold onto their turf.  Land.  Is it all about land rights?  So, if the crux of the disagreement is indeed about the map, wouldn’t it be smarter if the Israelis hired a real estate broker rather than vote for a prime minister to protect their investment?   If so, why not hire Barbara Corcoran, the nationally recognized real estate maven who, according to Answers.com, started her empire in 1973 with a $1,000 loan and sold it in 2001 for a reported $71 Million.   (You’ve gotta check out the Corcoran website.)

My point here is if Barbara Corcoran could market the Middle East the way she marketed Miami and New York City (which probably has more Jewish residents than the state of Israel anyway), it might be a win/win for all.  Imagine purchasing a portion of the Dead Sea and watch it come alive on Barbara’s Israeli website—complete with a slideshow and text highlighting the salts that are precious to its water?  And the music behind the scenes!  Better than a Bar Mitzvah.  If countries were “marketed” rather than “fought” for, the sales might not even go to the highest bidder.  We all know that the Israelis love “fixer-uppers,” (those countrymen could take a basement and morph it into a catering hall), and since they are so creative with working with virtually nothing, they’ll keep the land and the sea.  Most importantly, no one will be in a killing war . . . they’ll be in a bidding war for the property!

Anyone interested in voting for Barbara Corcoranstein? 

What do you think?   I’d love to hear your comments!

Peace.

The Mouthinator.  

The Mouthinator Politics

Greetings Mouthketeers (People who have subscribed to The Mouthinator blog):

Do you need a bigger box?  Well if I were you, I’d reserve ahead because this next story made my cellulite sizzle.  (That’s right worldwide web fans, men have cellulite.)  Did you hear about the investigation in South Carolina where someone at a funeral parlor severed a dead man’s legs in order to fit his bod in a casket?  (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/worldnews/article-1166680/Funeral-home-accused-cutting-mans-legs-make-fit-coffin.html)  

Hey, it’s hard enough to fit into skinny jeans these days; but shedding a few limbs in order to fit into a box takes body sculpting to a whole new level, don’t you think?   The truth remains:  Whether we are dead or alive, America wants us all to be thinner.   I don’t know about you, but I have struggled with weight for years—have gained and lost 60 pounds about 6 times—and have various wardrobes ranging from sizes 30 to 44.  Recently, I decided that instead of squeezing into a smaller pant size, (as if I’m CinderFella looking to cram my foot into a glass slipper), I decided to give myself a break and buy bigger outfits so I can let my body breathe.  

So, when it’s time for me to die, I’d really like a bigger box so I can come up for a little air.  

Do you want or need a bigger box?  Needs vs. Wants.  Hmmmmmmmm.    

Peace.  

The Mouthinator.   

The Mouthinator Pop Culture

OK.  So I’m writing a daily blog called “The Mouthinator,” a further branding tool for my PR firm, Mouth Public Relations (www.MouthPublicRelations.com).  Being somewhat of a media whore (pronounced, “WHO-URR”), I figured there’s gotta be something pertinent I can share with the world—even if I hear it via a third person.   For my first blog entry, I wanna share with you what I think is the absolute most exciting stimulus package I’ve heard to date.   My friend, John, a publisher who owns Cider Mill Press (www.cidermillpress.com), says to forget bailing out Wall Street.  Stimulate OUR street!  Give EVERY U.S. CITIZEN (from the age of 21 to 101), 1 Million dollars to help jump start the economy!  That’s right. Every eligible peep in the country would get 1 Million bucks . . . The government would pay less than what they’ve shelled out already, and the economy would be stimulated in less than 24 hours after YOU receive your check. Think about it.  The most important person in this country is YOU.   If YOU received all that green, wouldn’t YOU pay off some bills, save some in a legitimate bank, book a vacation to Florida, eat a fancy meal at Olive Garden, buy fancy-schmancy clothes at Bloomingdales, enroll in a Spanish course at the community college, buy a Cadillac . . . and the list goes on . . . Of course there would have to be some stips to getting the cash, (i.e., you won’t be able to quit your job as a sanitation engineer for the first 18 months after receipt of funds), but if the Prez wants to stimulate his package quickly, we should all run–not walk–to our phones, computers and twitter accounts and tweet the White House!   “President Obama:  Show US the money.  Just do it.”

What do you think?   Oh, and please sign up to be a Mouthketeer (a person who subscribes to “The Mouthinator” blog), located to the right of this entry.  

Peace.

“The Mouthinator”

The Mouthinator Politics