Dear Mouthketeers:

If Ruth Madoff isn’t going down as the “Eva Braun” to one of the most disgusting financial terrorists on the planet, she’ll go down as a woman who best resembles Meg Ryan—without the poufy-puffy lips.  Why?  I had the “pleasure” of seeing not one, but two shots of Ruth Madoff in the New York Times “Sunday Styles” section yesterday, where this woman’s “story” was apparently worthy of a front page.  But what is Ruth/Eva/Meg’s revelation these days?  Newsflash:  She’s waiting for her husband Bernie Madoff/Adolf (Hitler) to await sentencing.

That’s the story. (I would have loved to be a fly on the wall when the publicist pitched this non-story to the writer.)  And wait, there’s more to learn:  Eva/Ruth/Meg has been ousted from her beauty salon in NYC (they won’t even visit her privately in her penthouse apartment on 64th Street in Manhattan), and from the Amagansett, New York florist who decorated her husband’s annual corporate party in Montauk, the tip of Long Island.  Wow.

But what is probably the most shocking news of all is the Times didn’t even have the clout to get an interview with Eva/Ruth/Meg herself.  What’s up with that?  You write a cover story about someone who doesn’t do anything, hasn’t even committed suicide, and all you can come up with is a few quotes from a wife of another former evil financier and a couple of soundbytes from an attorney, as example?  Yadda, yadda, yadda . . . Y-A-W-N.

In a world where the news business is greatly tanking, (because, in my opinion, the public is sick of reading the same old stories over and over again), I think the SundayStyles section is getting desperate for attention.  Perhaps I’d be interested if Ruth/Eva/Meg squeals on Bernie/Adolf and tells the truth; however, until then, what clout does she really have except being married to an asshole for 49 years?  And the last time I checked, living with a puss-faced criminal for almost half a century isn’t very stylish either.  Unless she’s a cloister nun disguised as a rich woman, how could this chick not know what her hubby was up to?  She must’ve had a conversation or two with him before ordering his flowers or before she highlighted her hair the color of “Soft Baby Blonde,” according to the paper, no? 

Most disgustingly, some yenta image consultant quoted in the piece actually suggested Ruth/Eva/Meg could change her image if she simply devoted her time to a charity, predicting that “an orphanage or a pet shelter would be a good place to start.”  Image Consultant:  If you get any salary for your advice you should be fired.  The American public won’t shed any tear for Ruth/Eva/Meg simply because she sits at the reception desk at the local ASPCA every Saturday.  Are you kidding?

My Account Executive, Khuong, and my AAE, Abby, do more charity work than anyone I know, yet no paper features them.  And that’s precisely why the New York Times and all the other papers are tanking:  Because they’re not putting much news value on the local scene anymore, and in fact, the Metro Section has really shrunk in the Times these days.  A current trend on the Internet and on television; however, is to promote real people on the street as iReporters, who can respond to real news as it really happens.

I might cancel my subscriptions to the New York Times because if I wanna read these wannabe news stories, I’ll just go on their website.  I’m beginning to pull my news from the Internet anyway; and frankly, I will find more about Ruth/Eva/Meg on Google, than in the Times, so why bother?

It takes too long to drive to Montauk, doesn’t it?

Peace.

The Mouthinator.

The Mouthinator Finance, Lifestyle, News, Pop Culture

Greetings Mouthketeers:

Hope your weekend went well.  I’m refinancing my mortgage with Countrywide, and I’ve determined they’re sceezy, which is why as soon as I complete this blog, I will begin spelling their name without an “o,” if you get my drift. 

Last Saturday, I celebrated my one-year anniversary in my cutesy, cottagey upper middle class home in a very nice part of Connecticut.  In fact, the county I live in is part of an area called, “The Gold Coast.”  Why then, did Countrywide’s nasty appraiser, appraise my little abode 130K less than what I paid less than a year ago?  OK, we’re in a recession.  I get it.  But there ain’t any foreclosed homes in my hood and property value is a little less, but not a ski-slope less than many properties in this country.  Even with adding central heating/air conditioning, a new boiler and a soon-to-be waterproofed basement and renovated bathroom, the facacta appraiser—whom I shall name “Nameless”—shamelessly compared my house to the “Newark, New Jersey” area of my town. No offense to Newark, but Newark isn’t where I live.  (Mayor Booker, we LOVE you!!)

The trouble here is my mortgage broker is in Los Angeles, Countrywide is in Massachusetts, and Nameless is way out of town.  You got that right.  No one, except my fabulous real estate broker, Ms. Anne Forland, and me actually know what the hell kind of town I live in.  So Anne came to the rescue.  Proactively, Anne pulled MLS comps on houses, which compared to mine and sold over the last few months.  She helped the mortgage broker make the case to reinstate my refinance package.   Every broker in this country should learn from the “Anne Forland School of Customer Service,” because she has gone the extra mile here to help me out. 

Now to the Countrywide scam part:  If the new comps still do not satisfy Countrywide, then it seems as if I can qualify for a loan under President Obama’s Stimulus Package, where the government will automatically appraise my home for over 100K more than what Nameless says my house is worth—sight unseen—and then I’ll get the loan . . . with guess who, COUNTRYWIDE!  You got that right.  Countrywide, the bank that is ready to turn me down is still going to be the lender backing my refi under the Stimulus Package.  Oh, and did I tell you Countrywide is my lender now—on the original mortgage?  What country am I living in, Countrywide?    

Countrywide:  Here’s the scoop.  You are lousy people who don’t know what the hell you’re doing. You push paper amongst yourselves to keep your jobs.  You hire appraisers who are scamming your customers because you don’t want your clients to refinance and pay less that what they’re paying now.  If you think that I’m gonna sit down and let my big fat ass get fatter because you’re dicking me around, you do not realize the mouth power of the Mouthinator.  

The Mouthinator is in da house, and da house he lives in will get the mortgage refinance rate he signed up for.  BTW, “thank you, President Obama.  You are doing a fabulous job, but please, please, puhleese don’t give any more bucks to Cuntrywide .  . . (oops, Countrywide), because they sucks . . .

Holler.  I rest my refinancing case.

 Do you have any cheesy bank stories? 

Peace.

The Mouthinator.     

The Mouthinator Finance