Greetings Mouthketeers:

I was going to write about the late and most interesting, Eunice Kennedy Shriver, (was her husband’s first name, Sargent, or was he a sergeant in the war?) …Then I was going to send a shout out to my client, New York Times best-selling author, Mary Jo Buttafuoco, and the success of her book, Getting it Through My Thick Skull … (Wait until you hear who wants to sue her. . .) Then . . . right before blogging this evening I opened up my iPhone and wondered, “How the hell did I get 200 emails from 6:42-11pm, and why do I feel guilty going to bed without answering them?”

I’m pissed.  Yes, I’m the one who spent $625 to have an IT person reconnect my iPhone to the Mac to the PC, etc., etc.  But I hate the whole thing.      

As Bette Midler said in “The Rose,” “Where is everybody going?”  I truly believe the downfall of our society is Facebook, Twitter, Blackberry and iPhone, because at the end of the day, the act of maneuvering all these electronic devices is sucking the daylights out of us, and if you look back at the content of your tweets, and emails, and wall messages, you might notice that nothing you’ve read or written today is uber interesting and you certainly won’t cure cancer with the content produced in any of your profiles.  Sure, you confirmed a reservation or two via email, “friended” a friend you never liked in the first place on Facebook . . .  but at the end of the day, what does it really have to do with you and your life?    

Throw that Blackberry in the garbage and use the iPhone as a flashlight the next time you loose your keys in your knapsack.  That’s right; just use the phone as a flashlight.

Seriously, I can see the value in instant messaging when you’re in a hurry, but I don’t understand what is the importance of important issues anymore?  Have you turned into the person who is scrolling up and down your inbox while you’re in an elevator, simply because you’re playing ‘catch up’ with your device?  Should my evening be a big bust simply because the mobileme.com server hasn’t downloaded another 100 more messages in my inbox yet? 

Puhleese!  Give me a Princess rotary phone any day, because I want your number to call you and say, hi.  You got that right:  Take a breath, and call. It would be nice to hear your voice.

Does anyone remember Ernestine the telephone operator on “Laugh In”?

Peace.

The Mouthinator. 

The Mouthinator Lifestyle, Pop Culture, Technology

Greetings Mouthketeers:

So the new, third version of the iPhone, called 3GS (“S” stands for “Speed”), is scheduled to roll-out later on this month, promising faster speed, faster apps, a 3-megapixel camera, a camcorder, voice control, a built-in digital compass, Bluetooth tethering and a voiceover feature…

Blah, biddy, blah, biddy blah, blah blah.  Do I really need to tether, and do I really, really need a compass? Honestly, I know where I’m going, and those who don’t aren’t the ones who will buy this thang anyway.  What about the typing feature???  Is it me or am I the only one who realizes the reason why the iPhone isn’t as popular as the Blackberry is because the iPhone’s typing keyboard sucks.  You got that right. The keyboard is designed for those who have toothpick fingers, smaller than those of a little person or a chimp for that matter.  Who the hell designed this keyboard and why don’t they hunker down and reinvent it? 

Doesn’t iPhone understand if they morph the keyboard into a harder apparatus, they will  b-l-o-w  the lid off Blackberry and any other PDA in the category?  OK.  We love the screen, the apps, the ability to search on the web; but we’re living in a world where—for whatever reason—we email people, and we need a function that works for us, not the other way around.  That’s why I give the iPhone a big fat “F” for that facacta keyboard. 

Couldn’t those geniuses on the west coast at least invent a voice-activated email feature so you don’t even have to touch the keyboard?  Just speak into the mic.  It’s great it will have a new camera, but not everyone wants to feel as if they’re a twenty-something who works at TMZ, finding the need to spontaneously snap a photo of Britney Spears everytime she comes out of a limo without any puddy pants on. (That grrrl takes the “Vagina Monologues” to a whole new level, doesn’t she?)

And since we’re on the subject of snap, could the customer service sods at AppleCare speed up their convos or are they all waiting to audition for “Stepford Wives 3?” Jeez, when you call those peeps with a problem, it’s as if you’re speaking to the special needs set—they are soooo slow, I just wanna run through the streets naked with a whistle bobbing against my thighs after every phone call I have with AppleCare.

Apple and iPhone need to stop smoking weed and walk into the streets, asking fans what they want, what they need.  Or perhaps they should merge with Blackberry, pull the best from each thing and raise the standard of their version of excellence? 

Wasn’t the Osmond’s “One Bad Apple” a great single?    

Peace.

The Mouthinator.   

The Mouthinator Lifestyle, Pop Culture, Technology

Greetings Mouthketeers: 

Am I the only one who feels hijacked by my electrical devices?  Way back, when people didn’t have any, no one missed these contraptions.  Besides the TV, laptop, stereo, and perhaps the IPod, the cell phone is the only piece of equipment I absolutely must-have in my life. 

It’s the number one really important device I think we own.  Not because it also morphs into an email or Safari system, because it’s smart, and it helps us order movie tickets, makes sure our kids are OK and allows us to say good night to a friend in a different time zone, amongst other things.  You really need it . . . so much so, I predict in a few years (OK, maybe a decade), “they” will have invented a way to embed a version of the sucker in your ear lobe . . . and if I were them, I would call it the “phone chip.”

Did you hear me? I did say they will figure out a way to embed  the phone chip in our ears, (aka “celling it to our bodies”), and it will be much cheaper to produce because you won’t need so much hardware to make it work.  By having the phone chip, we’ll all have instant access to 911, 411, 311, 0, 212, 888, 900, etc., etc.  And of course, the government will find a way to fine us for turning on our ears . . . Uh; I mean our chips, when we’re in an elevator, on a train, in a restaurant and on a plane. 

Isn’t chatting to whomever on a cell phone—in an elevator car—the most obnoxious act created by man?  Have you ever taken a trip to the tenth floor with two or three people who are all yapping on their LGs?  Who are these kats talking to?  Unless you are going up to heaven, can’t you people wait until you get off on seventeen before you open up your traps?  And for God’s sake, lower your voice!  You aren’t funny and we really don’t care how your blind date went last night. 

Why is the Motorola V3 Razr still for sale?  Isn’t that thing a dinosaur yet, along with the eight-track tape?  Do you remember the ad campaign, “Hello Moto?”  When it first came out, I thought “Moto” was a doll made in Japan, and I must’ve been the last person to realize it was a kewl way of saying “Motorola.”  Well, adios-ola Motorola.  I’m gonna getz me an embedded phone chip in my ear lobe. 

If it’s “anti-Jewish” to be tattooed, do you think the Mitzvah Mavens will ban the use of the phone chip?  Honestly, if Jews didn’t have phones, (in whatever shape or form), Bell Telephone would go bankrupt.  And if we all can’t speak on a Moto, I guess we will all go back to chatting in person . . . or better yet, communicate the old school way:  emailing each other.   What a great way to communicate.     

Fade to Blackberry.  Ugh.   How would you tell an ex you’re breaking up with them?  Text message? 

Peace.

The Mouthinator. 

The Mouthinator Technology

Greetings Mouthketeers:

After recently spending $6000 to transfer all of my docs from a PC to a Macbook Pro, I am now being held hostage by electronics and hardware & software packages.  QuickBooks, Entourage, Blackberry, Missing Sync and yes, the Mac, are all testing my nerves.  And American Express is no angel either. 

Why is it when you download your Amex statement into QuickBooks, the order of the expenditures online are totally out of sync with your paper statement?  You might think this complaint isn’t a big deal, but if you use Amex for business and have over 100 itemized expenses—many of those expenses are charged back to the client and the paper statement acts as the clients’ receipt—you need the download to work smoothly.  Do I really need to spend an entire day downloading a statement into a software product called “Quick?”

Why is it when you enter an appointment in your Entourage calendar it might or might not sync with the Blackberry . . . and if it does sync it might duplicate the event several times as if it was never entered in the first place?  Can you imagine opening your Blackberry calendar and discovering you have a lunch lunch lunch lunch lunch lunch with Jane Jane Jane Jane at 12 12 12 12 12 12? 

Get the picture?

The whole thing is a farce, and I’m one step from believing the evil empire is Apple.  I don’t think Mac execs want the Blackberry to work efficiently with the Macbook.  Why is it when you have a complaint about Entourage and you call AppleCare, they are quick to say they don’t support it?  Bad customer services.  Handle the whole thing, Apple.  Make the experience more pleasant.  Make your store a one-stop shop.  If your leather seat in your BMW is torn, will the dealer make you travel to Corinthia to get a new cushion or fix the whole thing for you?       

And G-d knows when something created by Apple doesn’t work.  My Apple Mighty Mouse died two days I bought it.   Get this:  I could not simply go to the Apple store and simply exchange it for another!  Did I really have to make an appointment with a “genius” at the Genius Bar to talk about what happened to the mouse?  Uh, that Genius Bar was more like a mousetrap.  The whole thing is just so boring.  Whatever happened to the Filofax, the Wang Word Processor, the Selectric typewriter and yes . . . the music video on MTV? 

What do you think?  Do you have an Apple or a Lemon?

Peace.

The Mouthinator.   

The Mouthinator Technology