Greetings Mouthketeers:

Hope your weekend went well.  I’m refinancing my mortgage with Countrywide, and I’ve determined they’re sceezy, which is why as soon as I complete this blog, I will begin spelling their name without an “o,” if you get my drift. 

Last Saturday, I celebrated my one-year anniversary in my cutesy, cottagey upper middle class home in a very nice part of Connecticut.  In fact, the county I live in is part of an area called, “The Gold Coast.”  Why then, did Countrywide’s nasty appraiser, appraise my little abode 130K less than what I paid less than a year ago?  OK, we’re in a recession.  I get it.  But there ain’t any foreclosed homes in my hood and property value is a little less, but not a ski-slope less than many properties in this country.  Even with adding central heating/air conditioning, a new boiler and a soon-to-be waterproofed basement and renovated bathroom, the facacta appraiser—whom I shall name “Nameless”—shamelessly compared my house to the “Newark, New Jersey” area of my town. No offense to Newark, but Newark isn’t where I live.  (Mayor Booker, we LOVE you!!)

The trouble here is my mortgage broker is in Los Angeles, Countrywide is in Massachusetts, and Nameless is way out of town.  You got that right.  No one, except my fabulous real estate broker, Ms. Anne Forland, and me actually know what the hell kind of town I live in.  So Anne came to the rescue.  Proactively, Anne pulled MLS comps on houses, which compared to mine and sold over the last few months.  She helped the mortgage broker make the case to reinstate my refinance package.   Every broker in this country should learn from the “Anne Forland School of Customer Service,” because she has gone the extra mile here to help me out. 

Now to the Countrywide scam part:  If the new comps still do not satisfy Countrywide, then it seems as if I can qualify for a loan under President Obama’s Stimulus Package, where the government will automatically appraise my home for over 100K more than what Nameless says my house is worth—sight unseen—and then I’ll get the loan . . . with guess who, COUNTRYWIDE!  You got that right.  Countrywide, the bank that is ready to turn me down is still going to be the lender backing my refi under the Stimulus Package.  Oh, and did I tell you Countrywide is my lender now—on the original mortgage?  What country am I living in, Countrywide?    

Countrywide:  Here’s the scoop.  You are lousy people who don’t know what the hell you’re doing. You push paper amongst yourselves to keep your jobs.  You hire appraisers who are scamming your customers because you don’t want your clients to refinance and pay less that what they’re paying now.  If you think that I’m gonna sit down and let my big fat ass get fatter because you’re dicking me around, you do not realize the mouth power of the Mouthinator.  

The Mouthinator is in da house, and da house he lives in will get the mortgage refinance rate he signed up for.  BTW, “thank you, President Obama.  You are doing a fabulous job, but please, please, puhleese don’t give any more bucks to Cuntrywide .  . . (oops, Countrywide), because they sucks . . .

Holler.  I rest my refinancing case.

 Do you have any cheesy bank stories? 

Peace.

The Mouthinator.     

The Mouthinator Finance